Thursday, May 24, 2012
A Change of Heart
How does one talk about one’s innermost aspirations?
For a number of years, I have stayed away from personal topics such as love, friendship and close relationships, together with the emotional states and fierce loyalties that accompany those relationships. One reason for this is, of course, the fact that blogs can reach a whole universe of people, and I have been reluctant to bear my soul and my most intimate thoughts to them, especially if the readers turn out to be acquaintances, friends and neighbors.
A second reason for steering away from such intimate topics is the other people that have been involved in various ways with me. It would not be fair if they were a part of my exposures without their foreknowledge and consent. Such consent would obviously not be forthcoming from them in all probability. Thus, to write about love and other personal subjects, it must be without compromising any other peoples, with one notable exception—my wife who, I am certain, will never read this.
One central theme in my life has been the quest for my very own soul mate. That I define as someone who merges with me, or complements me, in every way, thus creating a new loving and wonderful coupling-- spiritually, mentally, physically, and tempermentally. An impossible dream, I must agree, but it is amazing how close I have come to finding such a person! This is the one fact that keeps me hoping that my full and complete soul mate does exist even now at my advanced age, and over and above the long-term and fully permanent relationship that is an intimate part of my life right now.
This is a startling assertion to me. That I admit to longing for a true soul mate in the face of another oath-bound and long-term commitment speaks to the power of such an idea within me, and I do realize all the while that finding such an exceptional person must not be to the detriment of my other lifelong commitment. All of which highlights the virtual impossibility of fulfilling this dream completely. Something is missing in my life that most likely will never be found. The fact that my oath and my duty bind me to another prevents me from urgently seeking and fulfilling this dream relationship so long as the current commitment exists.
It is a fact that I found many of the necessary ingredients of my soul mate in my marriage, or else I would not have continued the relationship for over 55 years, and still counting. Some of the magic has fallen away over those over a half century of years, however, for many, many reasons, including aging, illnesses, and the growth of considerable differences in mental and spiritual outlook between us, to name a few. With time, these differences wear down one’s enthusiasm, one’s patience, and one’s willingness to overlook the failings that grow worse with age. But not the commitment or the duty!
This, then, is my dilemma: my commitment to duty, or to my dream.
For now, duty wins!
But I can dream, can’t I?