Monday, June 06, 2005
Contributions to This World?
Apologia
Recently, I was asked what my contribution to the world was, and was I happy with myself for those contributions. It was a fair question for anyone who makes the slightest effort to think about life, goals, religion, society, and death.
So I cast around my memory and my papers for a direct answer. This cast took me back to the earliest time that I began to break out of the mold set by my parents, my church, and my school, and to think for myself, hesitantly, and even fearfully.
For it is an unknowable universe out there, and the beginnings of scientific knowledge was then still not too far from the basics of the solar system, and in the intervening years, science has progressed but very small baby steps relative to that which we crave to understand.
It is a awesome task to set out on one’s own into the sum of our knowledge and beliefs, and then to attempt to construct a livable worldview from all of the available competing sources of supposed wisdom. That sketchy worldview has been filled out a bit since then, after a very long time and a lot of agonizing effort.
But this article is not about my worldview: that can be read in my other writings. But it is from that worldview that I evaluated and selected the few small accomplishments in my life that I am proud of, and love to think upon in my leisure.
First of all, I married an exceptional woman, who has been at my side for over 48 years, and has supported me unfailingly in all of my endeavors. I love her and am proud of her.
Second, we had two enormously talented and energetic children, who have grown into exceptional women, and who have built their own wonderful families. I love and am proud of both of them, the men they married, and their children.
Third, I spent most of my career in defense systems engineering. I believe I made many valuable contributions to the teams of engineers I was surrounded with, and to the goals and products for the defense of our country the – USA -- Holland, and NATO. By my count, I contributed substantially to 9 very large projects, and another 20 or so smaller ones, most of which were classified.
For me, it was a lifetime of contributions, helping in some measure to keep us free from the aggressions of the USSR and subjugated states of the Warsaw Pact during the Cold War. I have written about a few of these contributions in this blog earlier.
Fourth, I volunteered for service during the Korean War, and did my duty to my country for four long years. This service I am proud of too, but I will leave the details out.
Fifth, I believe I and my family have lived a good life, with no harm to others in any direct way (excepting the Korean War), law-abiding and Christian. We have striven to obey the tenets of the Church, though we are all sinners in the eyes of God.
Sixth, I have supported a young student from his late undergraduate years till now, and his family, to the point where he is now poised to go out from his residency into the medical profession as a full-fledged Doctor. This I am proud of also, for him, for his family, and for my wife and myself as well.
The seventh, and for the moment, final, contribution is my continuing support for the ideals of this country, its Constitution, Bill of Rights, and form of government. As a conservative, right-of-center, voting Republican, I have seen this nation take on and discharge many tasks for freedoms worldwide that other nations shunned. I am proud to be an American.
No one can say with honesty that they are entirely satisfied with their contributions to this existence. I am not satisfied. Perhaps that is one more motivation for this blog.
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It doesn't get any better than that. You have lived a full and productive life. I could only wish to do as much. You and I disagree on most everything as far as politics and policy but I can't argue your success in life.
I have a question. This is not antagonism or anything of the sort. I'm not looking for an argument. I am curious about others' beliefs and how they are formed.
How is it that you came to believe that we are all sinners, and why, through all of your travels and exposure to other cultures, do you find the Christian God to be the One for you?
These are personal questions and if you would prefer not to answer in this, so public a forum, I more than understand.
I have a question. This is not antagonism or anything of the sort. I'm not looking for an argument. I am curious about others' beliefs and how they are formed.
How is it that you came to believe that we are all sinners, and why, through all of your travels and exposure to other cultures, do you find the Christian God to be the One for you?
These are personal questions and if you would prefer not to answer in this, so public a forum, I more than understand.
Fair question, MK. A full answer would take me a lot of time, but I will hit the highlights.
I was brought up in the Episcopal Church, and even went to an Episcopal Military Preparatory School -- Sewanee Military Academy -- which no longer exists.
I read just about every book in their library, I believe, as there was not much to do up on a Tennessee mountain. I began to think for myself, and vowed to explore other belief systems.
I became agnostic, if not atheistic. Partly, I believe, because I was lazy and wanted my Sundays for myself.
Then came the Korean War. I found myself praying a lot, and asking for help for my buddies and for me.
When I came home, I tried to put the War firmly behind me, including the religion I had prayed under. I was not happy with myself for a long time.
After I married and had children, the question came up as to how should they be raised. My answer was, they should be given the chance to meet God as they grow up, and that meant my wife and I had to make the effort to teach them the moral values we lived by.
They could decide for themselves later on, just as I had, what to do about religion.
So we went back into Church and Sunday School mainly for the kids sake. Funny thing happened though, the Minister, the congregation, the extreme Biblical erudition of several of them particularly, impressed me. I became involved in the church, and even ran a campaign to raise $25,000 for a new steeple, when the old one tilted from rot.
We made lifelong friends there. but I still had my personal doubts. Then came our move to Holland, and a hiatus from church for ten years (we felt we couldn't understand the service, but that changed as we learned Dutch.).
Our children managed to grow up and flee the nest, go through university, find jobs, and get married.
We came home, and started back to church again. Again, in the congregation were four or five of the most intellectually bright and educated men I have ever known, and they were convinced believers in God. The Minister was a former scientist, with a PhD in biochemistry, so he knew the thought processes I had gone through in trying to find my own way spiritually, and why I had blocked my heart from Christ. He had been there.
Over a period of four or five years, I gradually worked my way away from agnostic thoughts, and the awful challenges of atheism (and for me, they were terribly upsetting). God? No God? Why are we here? Are we destined to return to dust and that's it? Heaven on Earth, and nothing....nothing else?
Nightmares and trying to comprehend eventual death and nothingness, or ignore it.
As a scientist/engineer, I have gone through the creationism versus Darwinism arguments. I find that I believe there is an upper bound to what we can know about the universe, how it was formed, and what is it all about.
As one of my friends said, and I believe he quoted from someone else: First there is chaos, then comes science and mathematics, then comes chaos again. Why is this?
The simple outlines of the Christian faith were taught to me by that Minister, in a stepwise manner that swept away all the jargon (which I can't to this day really appreciate), and made it a simple choice: open your heart to Christ and He will come.
A few months later I accepted Christ. I accepted the basics of the religion, including the concept of original sin, free will, salvation through Christ...all of it. That terrible burden of making my own way was lifted instantly, and my fears were banished.
While I write this, echos of those fears come back to me, but they are now too weak to worry about.
Objectively, I believe I had been tried by many things in life, and found relief in putting them away where they would do no harm, and where I could then make a positive contribution to life spiritually, morally, and socially too.
I have a positive frame of reference, but a belief that mankind has an infinite capacity for good, and the same infinite capacity for evil(sin) I have seen sin firsthand.
There is a lot more I could say, many issues that plagued me and arguments I went through, but I think this outline is about right.
It was a leap of faith.
I was brought up in the Episcopal Church, and even went to an Episcopal Military Preparatory School -- Sewanee Military Academy -- which no longer exists.
I read just about every book in their library, I believe, as there was not much to do up on a Tennessee mountain. I began to think for myself, and vowed to explore other belief systems.
I became agnostic, if not atheistic. Partly, I believe, because I was lazy and wanted my Sundays for myself.
Then came the Korean War. I found myself praying a lot, and asking for help for my buddies and for me.
When I came home, I tried to put the War firmly behind me, including the religion I had prayed under. I was not happy with myself for a long time.
After I married and had children, the question came up as to how should they be raised. My answer was, they should be given the chance to meet God as they grow up, and that meant my wife and I had to make the effort to teach them the moral values we lived by.
They could decide for themselves later on, just as I had, what to do about religion.
So we went back into Church and Sunday School mainly for the kids sake. Funny thing happened though, the Minister, the congregation, the extreme Biblical erudition of several of them particularly, impressed me. I became involved in the church, and even ran a campaign to raise $25,000 for a new steeple, when the old one tilted from rot.
We made lifelong friends there. but I still had my personal doubts. Then came our move to Holland, and a hiatus from church for ten years (we felt we couldn't understand the service, but that changed as we learned Dutch.).
Our children managed to grow up and flee the nest, go through university, find jobs, and get married.
We came home, and started back to church again. Again, in the congregation were four or five of the most intellectually bright and educated men I have ever known, and they were convinced believers in God. The Minister was a former scientist, with a PhD in biochemistry, so he knew the thought processes I had gone through in trying to find my own way spiritually, and why I had blocked my heart from Christ. He had been there.
Over a period of four or five years, I gradually worked my way away from agnostic thoughts, and the awful challenges of atheism (and for me, they were terribly upsetting). God? No God? Why are we here? Are we destined to return to dust and that's it? Heaven on Earth, and nothing....nothing else?
Nightmares and trying to comprehend eventual death and nothingness, or ignore it.
As a scientist/engineer, I have gone through the creationism versus Darwinism arguments. I find that I believe there is an upper bound to what we can know about the universe, how it was formed, and what is it all about.
As one of my friends said, and I believe he quoted from someone else: First there is chaos, then comes science and mathematics, then comes chaos again. Why is this?
The simple outlines of the Christian faith were taught to me by that Minister, in a stepwise manner that swept away all the jargon (which I can't to this day really appreciate), and made it a simple choice: open your heart to Christ and He will come.
A few months later I accepted Christ. I accepted the basics of the religion, including the concept of original sin, free will, salvation through Christ...all of it. That terrible burden of making my own way was lifted instantly, and my fears were banished.
While I write this, echos of those fears come back to me, but they are now too weak to worry about.
Objectively, I believe I had been tried by many things in life, and found relief in putting them away where they would do no harm, and where I could then make a positive contribution to life spiritually, morally, and socially too.
I have a positive frame of reference, but a belief that mankind has an infinite capacity for good, and the same infinite capacity for evil(sin) I have seen sin firsthand.
There is a lot more I could say, many issues that plagued me and arguments I went through, but I think this outline is about right.
It was a leap of faith.
Thank you for the honesty.
With so much conflict here and there, it's good to know that you have found peace.
With so much conflict here and there, it's good to know that you have found peace.
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